


What Friends Are For

by Fictionista654



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Pre-Slash, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, but that's barely there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionista654/pseuds/Fictionista654
Summary: Arthur accidentally catches a glimpse of Merlin's scars.





	What Friends Are For

**Author's Note:**

> Big content warning for self harm. Stay safe <3

Merlin’s scars itched. He’d rubbed cortisone cream into them, but all it did was make his arm smell like a nurse’s office. And with Monday-Morning Meeting being as boring as it was, he didn’t have much to focus on besides the sensation in his arm. Subtly, through the fabric of his button-down, he rubbed at the wounds. The problem was, once you got started, it was hard to stop, and Merlin’s skin was this close to ripping. Across the table, Arthur frowned at him. Merlin abruptly dropped his hand and looked back down at his screen. How long had Uther been talking for? An hour?

"Shoot me," Arthur mouthed. Merlin mimed falling asleep. Arthur typed something into his laptop, and a second later, the message appeared on Merlin’s: --Rising Sun

\--Def, (Merlin wrote back.) Need a stiff fucking drink after this

\--You mean you don’t like going over the quarterly budget in excruciating detail? merlin, i’m disappointed

\--:)

Oh, shit. While they’d been texting, Merlin’s rubbing had turned into scratching. A bit of red seeped into his light blue sleeve, forcing Merlin to tuck his arm into his chest for the duration of the meeting. When Uther finally let them go, Merlin was buzzing with anxiety. The stain had gotten larger; it was a good-sized splotch now. All three toilets on the second floor bathroom had been stopped-up for ages, so Merlin wasn’t too worried when he finally got inside. Still, he hurriedly undid the buttons and pulled off the shirt, revealing his short-sleeved undershirt beneath. His arm didn’t look good. He’d gone deeper than usual, and the skin still hadn’t knit back together all the way, despite him going through all his bandages. Why hadn’t he stopped for more on the way to work? At least the stain looked like it was coming out, though Merlin couldn’t be sure beneath the foaming soap. He tried not to look at the scars as he washed, but the bright redness of them kept snagging his eye.

They were so red. 

And so open. Using his right thumb and forefinger, he pushed two edges of a cut together, and then let go. Jesus fuck, what was he doing? Merlin dropped his arm to the wet laminate counter and closed his eyes. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even register the door opening.

“Merlin?”

Merlin jumped, snatching his dress-shirt from the counter. But it was too late. Arthur was staring at his arm, then at his face, then back to his arm. “What the hell, Merlin?”

“It’s nothing,” Merlin muttered, shoving on his shirt. He tried to button it, but his fingers were shaking. 

Arthur crossed his arms. “Didn’t look like nothing.” 

“Cat scratched me.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Okay,” said Merlin. He grabbed his messenger bag from the floor and tried to leave, but Arthur blocked the doorway. “Come on, Arthur, let me go.”

“Not until you explain what you were doing in here.”

“Seriously, nothing.”

“Can I tell you what I think?” Arthur stepped all the way into the room, letting the door bang shut behind him. “I think you were in here trying to wash blood off your shirt.” 

“Salad dressing, actually,” said Merlin. “Clumsy oaf, that’s me.” He tried to dash past Arthur, but Arthur just bumped him away from the door with the side of his leg. 

“You’re going to have to do better than that, Merlin.” 

Deep breaths. “Arthur,” Merlin said, his voice strained. “I’m an adult. I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to.”

“Tough.” 

“Fuck!” said Merlin. “What’s your fucking problem, Pendragon?”

“My sister tried to kill herself,” Arthur said. 

Wrong-footed, Merlin blinked. “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that, Arthur, but—”

“The doctors told us there had been warning signs. Warning signs like cutting, for example.”

“I didn’t know about Morgana, and I’m really sorry,” said Merlin. “But I’m not going to kill myself. You have to let me go.” 

“You got somewhere you need to be?”

“Yes, actually,” Merlin said triumphantly. “I’m meeting Freya at the coffee house to go over the edits.” 

Arthur sighed. “Fine. But we’re going to talk about this, okay?”

“Yep!” Merlin burst through the door with a glorious sense of freedom. “We’ll talk!” 

It turned out that when Arthur said he was going to do something, he did it. Even if it meant waiting by Merlin’s car. “Shit,” said Merlin, pulling out his keys. “You scared me.”

“You weren’t at the Rising Sun,” Arthur said. 

“Oh, right, I forgot. Sorry.” Merlin unlocked the car, and Arthur immediately let himself into the passenger seat. “Yes, I’d love to give you a ride, Arthur! Thanks for asking!” 

“Car’s in the shop,” Arthur said, shrugging. “You don’t mind, do you?” Merlin muttered something under his breath and pulled out of the parking lot. “So,” Arthur said, when they’d been on the road for a few minutes. “I’m not trying to pry, Merlin, but—”

“Yeah, you’re not trying to pry. You’re just prying,” said Merlin. Arthur sighed.

“I’m worried about you, Merlin. Healthy people don’t…they don’t…”

“Carve themselves up?” Merlin said savagely. A Lincoln cut in front of him, and he hit the horn perhaps harder than intended.

“After I leave this car,” said Arthur, “I won’t bring it up again. Unless you want me to.” (Merlin snorted.) “But I wouldn’t be doing my job as a friend if I knew you were hurting yourself and didn’t say anything.” 

“And now you’ve said something, so everything’s worked out,” said Merlin. 

“I didn’t even know you were depressed,” said Arthur. Merlin smiled joylessly.

“I’m good at pretending.”

“Are you always unhappy, then?” 

Merlin squinted out the windshield at the darkening sky. “Did you know it’s actually the pollution in the atmosphere that makes the sunset so beautiful?” 

“Merlin.”

“All those pretty pinks and oranges wouldn’t be half so lovely without smog.” 

“Merlin, you’re changing the subject.”

“It’s sort of my car,” said Merlin, “so I think that sort of gives me some control over the topic of conversation.”

“How long have you been depressed?” said Arthur. “We’ve been friends for two years. I can’t believe you’ve never said anything.” 

Merlin considered bashing his head into the steering wheel. Arthur was right, two years of being friends, and Merlin had hidden his secret so well. Until he'd decided to disrobe in a company fucking bathroom. “Well, Arthur,” he said finally, “the reason I never said anything is because I don’t actually like talking about it.” 

“Yeah, I got that,” said Arthur. “We have ten minutes left until we get to my house, so humor me, okay?” Merlin grit his teeth. 

“Fine. Ten minutes. I’m not going to respond to anything you say, though. Just so you know.”

“Do you have a therapist?” said Arthur. Merlin, true to form, remained silent. “Because I’d feel a lot better about this whole situation if I knew there were someone making sure you don’t off yourself.”

“I have a therapist,” Merlin said quietly, his fingers tightening on the wheel. “Every Tuesday and Thursday. Happy?”

“And this therapist, they know about the self harm?”

“Yep.” Merlin put on his right blinker and merged into the exit lane. 

“That really does make me feel a lot better. Thank you, Merlin.” 

“Whatever.” 

They spent the rest of the ride in silence.

***

That night, Merlin cut again. 

***

Merlin could tell Arthur was being nicer to him. More thoughtful. He did things like surprise Merlin with coffee. Sometimes Merlin settled down at his desk to find a chocolate bar waiting for him on his keyboard. It was weird. 

“I don’t get it,” said Gwaine. “You’re upset because Arthur’s being too nice to you?”

“Never mind,” Merlin said, frustrated. It wasn’t the tokens themselves, exactly. It was more the reminder that Arthur was there, Arthur was watching. Arthur knew. Now Merlin looked both ways before scratching his arm, and he always applied extra bandages before work. At least Arthur still acted normally in MMM, sending him funny texts to pass the time.

\--Read anything good lately? said one. Merlin thought a moment before responding.

\--Have a great manuscript on my desk atm. lots of potential

\--I meant outside of work

\--What do you mean outside of work? i don’t understand the concept? 

Merlin was vindicated to see Arthur stifle a laugh.

\--Speaking of after work, Rising Sun?

Merlin hesitated. He hadn’t agreed to go out for drinks since BB (Before Bathroom). But if Arthur wanted things to be normal, well. That would be nice. But Merlin was a little bit anxious today, and he didn’t think he could handle the noisy pub.

\--Crepes? he texted back. Arthur nodded.

***

“God bless the French,” Arthur said, eight hours later, and a good deal more mussed than he’d been in the meeting. 

“Fucking love Nutella crepes,” Merlin agreed. He folded up a piece larger than his hand and stuffed it in his mouth. “Mmm.” 

“Has anyone ever told you you look like an absolute idiot when you eat?” Arthur said. 

Merlin grinned and licked his fingers. “I aim to please.”

“And how is you being a slob pleasing anyone?”

“Comedic relief.” Merlin sipped at his milkshake. It had been a good day, a good evening, and he was feeling warm and contented all over. And then, over Arthur’s shoulder, he saw him. No. Not here. How the fuck was he here? But he was here, and coming closer.

“Hey, Val,” Merlin said weakly, trying not to flinch when Valiant swung an arm around him.

“Merlin! It’s been ages! This your new boyfriend?” Valiant squinted suspiciously at Arthur.

“No,” Arthur and Merlin said at the same time. “No,” said Merlin. “Just a friend.”

Valiant shoved Merlin over in the booth and sat down. “He ever mention me? Name’s Valiant?” 

“I can’t say he has,” Arthur said coldly, obviously taking in Merlin’s discomfort.

“Been, what, three years since we broke up?” Valiant said. Merlin’s skin crawled. He hated how close Valiant was, hated it. The very smell of his cologne turned Merlin’s stomach. But he couldn’t think out to get out of this situation. How to push past Valiant and get to the bathroom. Why was he so close? And his breath was so hot down the side of Merlin’s face. 

“Er, yeah,” said Merlin. “Almost three years.” He caught Arthur’s eye, and Arthur subtly nodded.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Valiant, but you’ll have to excuse us. We’re going over a thing for work.”

“Work?” said Valiant. “Merlin, were you holding out on me? I thought you couldn’t get out of bed. He’s got lots of problems. Don’t you, Merlin?” When Valiant leaned in, Merlin could smell the liquor on his breath. Who gets wasted before going out for dinner? “Did you know he cuts himself?”

Merlin did flinch now, away from Valiant and into the wall. He could feel himself shrinking, his voice settling down in his throat. Luckily, Arthur had enough fight for both of them. “That’s enough,” he said, getting out of his seat. “Leave now, or we're going to have a problem.” Valiant muttered, but he did get out of the booth and trundle away. 

“Sorry,” Merlin said quietly, unable to look up from his plate. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Arthur sliding in next to him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” said Arthur. “A real piece of work, that man.”

“You have no idea.” Merlin fidgeted with his fork. “My depression got really bad when I was with him.”

“I can see why,” said Arthur. 

Merlin laughed shakily. “It was the definition of a vicious circle. I’d be depressed, he’d make fun of me for being depressed, I’d get more depressed.” He could still hear Valiant’s taunts in his mind: You’re such an emo little girl. Go on, cut yourself. Do it. DO IT. He shuddered.

“He sounds abusive,” Arthur said, so gently. Merlin gave an noncommittal jerk.

“I know.” He swallowed his pride and turned to face Arthur. Did he have to look so concerned? “I’m really sorry you had to see that.”

“I already told you, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” Arthur flagged down a passing waiter and mimed signing a check. The waiter nodded. “Do you want to go somewhere after this?”

“Just home,” Merlin said.

“So you can hurt yourself.”

Merlin’s mouth went dry. “No,” he said, but he could tell how fake it sounded. 

“Right,” said Arthur. “You’re coming home with me.” Merlin opened and closed his mouth. The issue was, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to argue. It would be nice to have someone else in charge, for a change.

“I don't have any of my stuff,” he said.

“We’re the same size, and I’ve got a spare toothbrush.”

“I don’t want to.”

“And I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” 

They glared at each other. Well, Merlin glared. Arthur gazed steadily. “I’m an adult,” said Merlin, but he knew he’d lost.

***

Of course Arthur had the penthouse. Merlin leaned against the front door as he took in the giant living room and even larger dining room. “Holy hell,” he said.

“What?” said Arthur, seriously not understanding how ridiculous this apartment was. “Can I get you anything?” And he headed over to the wet-bar—the fucking wet-bar—on the wall across from them.

“Don’t really feel like drinking,” said Merlin.

Arthur snorted. “Good, because I wasn’t planning to give you alcohol.” He bent down and retrieved two water bottles from the mini-fridge.

“Disposable water bottles are terrible for the environment,” said Merlin.

“Thank you, Al Gore,” said Arthur, tossing one over anyway. Merlin caught it, smiling as he twisted off the cap.

“I’ve never understood why rich people refuse to drink tap water.”

“It’s vitamin-infused,” said Arthur. “Does tap water come with vitamins?”

Merlin held up the bottle and read it. “Okay, I understand vitamin-infused, even though they do absolutely nothing, but hydrogen-infused? What the fuck?”

“It does not say that,” said Arthur, holding up his own. “Wait, you’re right. What the fuck?”

“But water already has hydrogen,” said Merlin, starting to laugh.

Arthur frowned at the bottle, looking genuinely perplexed. “I don’t understand,” he said. 

Merlin doubled over laughing. “Hydrogen…infused,” he managed. And then Arthur was laughing too. They laughed and laughed, until Merlin fell to the floor. Every time he thought he was done, another round of laughter bubbled up inside him. Or they’d both compose themselves and Arthur would hold up his bottle, setting them off again.

“That was great,” Arthur said when they’d finally finished. “I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that.”

“Me neither,” Merlin agreed, lying back against the hardwood floor and looking up at the off-white ceiling.

“Shall I Google it?”

“The water? No, I think I like this air of mystery around it.” Merlin shook his head, chuckling weakly. “Hydrogen infused water. What’ll they think of next? Sodium-infused salt?”

“Hey, you should write that down,” said Arthur. “Make loads of money with that idea.” 

“Where’s your bathroom?” said Merlin. “I need to pee.” And Arthur trustingly led him to one right down the hall.

Razors. Razors. Merlin frantically sorted through the drawers beneath the sink. He wouldn’t have much time before Arthur realized he was doing more than peeing. He just needed to nick one now so he could use it tonight, that was all. There was a used one hanging from the shower wall, but Merlin wasn’t quite desperate enough for that. His heart was battering at his throat. When Arthur knocked at the door, Merlin actually jumped.

“One second,” he called out, knowing his voice sounded too strained. He gave up his search and washed his hands.

“I was starting to think you’d flushed yourself,” said Arthur. “I put the sheets on your bed. And, uh, here.” He handed over a toothbrush. 

“Thanks,” said Merlin, shutting the door in Arthur’s face. He brushed his teeth quickly and gave the drawers another run-through. Nothing. Shit. He took the razor from the wall and stuffed it down his pants.

***

Arthur would never be sure why he woke up. Maybe Merlin made a noise when he came in. Maybe Arthur felt him sit down. Whatever the reason, at half-past midnight, Arthur sat bolt upright.

Merlin was sitting hunched over at the edge of his bed. He was shaking his leg, which, in turn, shook the whole bed. Arthur put what he hoped was a calming hand on Merlin’s back. “What’s wrong?”

Merlin whispered something, too quiet for Arthur to make out. “What was that?”

“I betrayed you.”

“Betrayed me? How?” said Arthur. But he had a sinking feeling in his gut.

“You wanted to keep me safe.” Merlin’s voice was toneless, and it chilled Arthur. “I’m sorry.”

“Hang on.” Arthur turned on the lamp and gasped. Merlin was soaked in blood. “Hospital,” said Arthur. “Now.” 

“Okay.” 

Before they went down to the parking lot, Arthur wrapped Merlin’s arm in an old towel. Merlin’s eyes were unfocused. His teeth chattered. The wait for the elevator was excruciating. When they finally got to the car, Merlin sat blankly in the passenger seat, and Arthur had to buckle him in. 

“We’re going to get you help,” Arthur said, hoping his voice was steady. He should have done this ages ago. He should have done this when he saw Merlin in the bathroom. No. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He was doing this now, and that was what mattered. 

“Okay,” said Merlin, so strangely compliant. Or maybe not so strangely. He seemed broken, somehow. Defeated. Arthur suspected nearly killing yourself at a mate’s house was enough to defeat anyone. Merlin’s head lolled against the window, and anxiety pricked Arthur.

“Hey, let’s keep you talking, all right?”

“Uhn.”

“Tell me more about plastic bottles.”

“BPA,” Merlin said heavily. “Carcinogenic.”

“Right,” said Arthur. “I know that. That’s why you can’t reuse water bottles. Hey, hey.” Eyes still on the road, he nudged Merlin with his left hand. “Stay awake, okay? Can you do that for me?” Merlin grunted. “Good. That’s good, Merlin. Er, water bottles, BPA…any other carcinogenic I should know about?”

“Microwaves. Sunlight. Cigarettes.” They took a turn particularly fast, and Merlin fell over forward, letting his head hang. His lethargy disturbed Arthur.

“Keep ahold of that towel, all right?” He spared a glance to make sure Merlin was doing it. That stupid fool. That stupid, stupid fool. “How’re Freya’s edits coming along?”

“No more questions,” Merlin said. “I don’t want any more question.” And he burst out crying.

“Shh, shh,” soothed Arthur. “It’s going to be all right. We’re almost there, and then the doctors will take care of you. Okay?”

“Uhm. Okay.” Merlin scrubbed at his eyes. “Don’t feel so good, Arthur. I think I’m gonna—” With impressive agility, Merlin rolled down his window and vomited down the side of the car. Arthur winced. Better than vomiting inside the car, he supposed.

“Feel better now?”

“I think that was all the lithium,” Merlin said. Arthur went cold.

“Merlin, you didn’t.” He pressed on the accelerator, not caring that he was breaking the speed limit. Should he have called an ambulance? This was probably faster, but. Merlin. “How much did you take, Merlin?”

“Filled this morning,” Merlin mumbled, really going limp now. “Filled up. Got. Pharmacy.”

Merlin filled the prescription this morning. A full bottle. Shit. Arthur thought he might faint with relief when the exit for the hospital finally came into view. From there, it was just another few minutes until he was lugging a mostly-unconscious Merlin into A&E. “Suicide attempt,” he told he told the nearest nurse. They moved impossibly fast, so fast that Arthur barely realized when they took Merlin from him and put him on the stretcher.

“Did he ingest anything?” said one of the nurses as they hurried alongside the gurney.

“Lithium. Not sure how much. He vomited some of it out. And he cut himself, not sure how deep.” And then they were gone, behind the swinging double doors. Numb, Arthur somehow made it back to the waiting room. It wasn’t a busy night, luckily. Barely anyone waiting. He slouched in one of the plastic chairs and rested his head in his hands. This was going to be a long night.

***

Merlin woke up frightened. “Mum?” he said. 

“Hi, darling.” A woman in blue scrubs leaned over him. “I’m not your mum, but I am your doctor, and I can tell you we’ve already contacted her.” 

“Oh,” said Merlin, falling back against his pillows. “I want my mum.” He hated how piteous he sounded. Like a little kid. But the doctor just smiled understandingly and sat down in the chair by his bed.

“I’m Dr. Dulac, but you can call me Gwen if you want.” She smiled again. All smiles, this one. “Tell me, Merlin, do you know why you’re here?”

“I tried to kill myself.”

Gwen nodded sympathetically, and scribbled something down in her notes. “Do you remember why?”

“Felt bad,” said Merlin. “Why else?” Something occurred to him. “Wait, you’re not going to section me, are you? Because I’m fine now, I promise.”

“We’ll discuss that when you’re mum comes, yeah? Because right now we don’t have all the information, and we’ll need to make sure that if we do let you go, you’ll be in a safe place.”

“I will,” Merlin insisted. “Wait. Is Arthur still here?”

“Blond, about this tall?” Merlin nodded. “He’s been in the waiting room all night.”

“Don’t let him in,” Merlin said. “I don’t want him to see me like this.” 

“He seems very worried about you,” said Gwen. “Are you sure you don’t want to see him?”

“Positive.” Merlin was burning with shame as it was. Had he really taken all his meds, cut himself, and then wussed out and gone to sit on Arthur’s bed? God, he didn’t want to think about how creeped out Arthur must be. He tried to focus on the mental eval Gwen was giving him, but his thoughts kept slipping back to Arthur.

***

“Arthur?”

Arthur looked up blearily at the woman standing next to his chair. She was middle-aged, with soft brown hair and a worried smile. “I’m Merlin’s mother,” she said. “Hunith.”

“Oh!” Arthur leaped up and offered her his hand. 

“I just got out of his room, and I wanted to thank you,” she said. “You saved his life.”

Arthur waved this off. “It was nothing. Is he going to be all right?”

Hunith nodded tiredly. “The levels of lithium in his bloodstream went down on their own, so they didn’t have to pump his stomach.”

“Are they sectioning him?”

“Merlin needs the help,” Hunith said, not really answering his question. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just. Really sorry.”

“We’ve been here before,” Hunith said with a sigh. “I just wish I’d known before it came to this.”

Guilt twisted Arthur’s stomach. “Hunith,” he began, but she cut him off.

“I know, Merlin told me. You did the best you could. Thank you. Thank you so much.” She squeezed his hands. “Just. Thank you.” 

He swallowed. “You’re welcome. Um. If Merlin ever wants to talk—”

“I’ll let you know,” she promised. “Go home and get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” said Arthur, and reluctantly went back to his car.

***

It was a week before Merlin called. “Hey, Arthur,” he said, and Arthur could’ve wept at hearing his voice.

“Merlin,” he said. “How are you?”

“A lot better,” he said. “I’ll be back at work tomorrow.”

“You don’t need more time?”

“I have a group I’m going to go to,” Merlin said, sounding uncomfortable. “After work, three days a week.” 

“Oh. Good. That’s good.” 

“I’m sorry, Arthur. You invited me into your home, and what I did wasn’t okay.”

“No,” Arthur agreed, “it wasn’t. But I’m glad you did it at my house and not yours. Wait, you know what? I’m coming over.”

“You don’t have to—”

“No, I’m coming over. Sit tight.” 

“I’m staying at my mum’s, at least let me give you the address.”

“Oh, right,” said Arthur, scribbling down what Merlin said on his left arm. “See you in a few.”

“Bye, Arthur.”

When Arthur got there, Hunith was gardening out front. She smiled at him when he pulled up. “Merlin’s just inside,” she told him.

“Thanks.” He collected himself before opening the door. “Merlin?”

Merlin was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a mug of tea. He kept looking down at it, even when Arthur sat. “Thanks for coming.”

“You’re my friend.”

“I’m a terrible friend,” Merlin said, like he was giving a correction. 

“Yeah,” said Arthur. “You left me on my own at MMM! Do you know how boring it is without you?”

A tiny smile pulled at Merlin’s lips. “Excruciatingly boring?”

“Damn right.” Arthur leaned back in his chair and pursed his lips. “I’m glad you’re all right, Merlin.”

“Thanks, Arthur.” And somehow Arthur could tell that Merlin was saying thank you for more than Arthur’s comment. 

“Of course,” said Arthur. “What are friends for?” And he reached out and gave Merlin’s hand a squeeze.


End file.
